Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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