3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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