Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
