What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
