I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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