ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
