his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
