god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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