Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
