I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
