The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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