I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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