I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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