My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
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