I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
