You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
