Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
