If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
