Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
