we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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