So drunk its hurt
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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