Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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