My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
