At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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