apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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