i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
