mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
that is very illegal...i love you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
