You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
