i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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