One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
