Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
