ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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