drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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