The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
