yo everyone went to the hospital last night
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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