Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
