could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
