I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
