My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
