Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
