my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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