I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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