so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up under a house in Key West
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
