i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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