If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
