im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
