i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
