Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
