u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
