Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
